Laws of Physics in the Vauxhall alternative universe

12 Feb

For those not familiar with Vauxhall,  it is best considered as an alternative universe in which the normal Laws of Physics do not apply.  To assist the unwary traveller who ventures into the area, here are some of the laws as they might apply in the Vauxhall alternative universe.


Vauxhall law of conservation of energy:
“Social housing can neither be created nor destroyed”


Laws of Vauxhall-thermodynamics

  • 1st Law: “The increase in social housing in Vauxhall is equal to the investment supplied minus the investment. “
  • 2nd Law:  “The height of buildings must always increase”
  • 3rd Law:The benefit to the community in Vauxhall-dynamic equilibrium approaches zero as social housing approaches zero”


Newton’s Laws of Vauxhall Motion

  • 1st Law: “When viewed in a planning framework, a development is either at rest or moves at a constant velocity towards planning permission, unless acted upon by  external objectors”
  • 2nd Law: “The acceleration of a development depends directly upon the planning farce acting upon the development, and inversely upon the social housing of the development”
  • 3rd Law: “Every bus station development has an equal and opposite re-development”


Kepler’s laws of Vauxhall gyratory motion

  • 1st Law: “The orbit of the Vauxhall gyratory is an elipse with the pissoir at one of the two foci.”
  • 2nd Law: A line joining a car and the pissoir sweeps out equal parking restrictions during equal intervals of time.”
  • 3rd Law: The square of the orbital period of the Vauxhall gyratory is proportional to the cube of  Lambeth’s half-a-high street”


Schrödinger’s Vauxhall Wave Equation

In the standard universe,  Schrödinger’s Wave Equation is very difficult to explain.  In the Vauxhall alternative universe it is much simpler:

“Every development In Vauxhall can be represented as a wave function: Wave hello to the developers and transport infrastructure and wave goodbye to social housing.”  


And here’s something for mathematicians…

Pythagoras’ Vauxhall Theorem

“The square of the Vauxhall high street [will never be] equal to the sum of the squares in the other developments” 



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